Love Note
by sciathan file
Summary: [Cracktastic parody of Death Note] When Tamaki finds what appears to be a lost notebook, a bored cupid offers him a chance to be... the god of love? And, with Tamaki in charge, relationships have never been so crazy.
1. Note 1, Prelude

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Ouran or Death Note…because if I did it would be as cracktastic as well, this fic….just blame Miyano Mamoru's sexy voice.

**Spoilers and other inventive warnings:** Basic plot of Death Note used…as long as you know the basics of Ouran, you're good. Severe OOCness, but it is explained and necessary. General crack. Also, a snaky Sci!OC is employed. You've been warned. Tamaki also causes my syntax to go crazy, as a note, so blame him for the constant subordination if the sentences, too…

**Dedication:** This goes out to hikagi because she was the first (and only) to have Kyouya's Death Note kill me and also to oviparou" because I owe her some crack. 3

**Love Note**

sciathan file

Ungodly, inalterably, unforgivingly, unchangingly, somnolently, horribly, awfully, _**boring**._

Humanity, aside from Valentine's Day and White Day (but even that was only in Japan) was incredibly, soporifically, _dull_ and Eros – a high Cupid employed in the arts of love – had just about had it.

He might as well just become one of those tacky cherub lawn ornaments that romantically inclined old ladies in the Human World often possessed for all the work he got in the off-season. Who fell in love in the dead of winter? It was so cold that Eros himself was freezing his little golden halo off…so visions of romantic sleigh rides?

_Please_.

Maybe all the humans just fell in lust for the excess body heat because, as far as Eros himself knew, they weren't really known for their thick hides. Put them in snow and ice and they would whine your ears off…lovers?

What a joke.

They about amounted to a bunch of bickering people with red faces complaining of frostbite. Any other image of winter love was simply a marvel of commercialism.

And….the other cupids? Boring as sin….or perhaps, more properly, virtue. They just say around making _doilies_ and molding _chocolates_. They were all so whipped by Venus it wasn't even vaguely funny.

B-O-R-I-N-G.

But, as he stared down into the human world in an attempt to find something amusing, Eros noted something _interesting_ on the other side of the rose colored glass. There was, to his surprise, a shining glare of _Love_.

And not just love, but….possibly _polygamist_ love…and in one case, what appeared to be _polyandrous_ love with hints of lesbian tendencies.

Interesting indeed.

With a brief nod at two of his companions – who were making a disgustingly large heart shaped doily – he leapt through the crowd of roses and went down into the Human World only to find, to his increasing surprise, more roses.

Very, very, interesting.

------------------------------

Suou Tamaki had had a good day…no, in his own estimation, it had been an _exquisite_ day.

Having just put away his costume away (today's theme had been Roman senators…he had been a Brutus! A Cato!). But, as the King of the Host Club, he had been the most lavishly dressed and so, with the exception of Kyouya, who was looking over the club's finances from the day, he had been the last to leave. However, finding the weather quite pleasing to his refined sense of aesthetics, he decided to take a tranquil stroll in the garden on the way to his car.

To his surprise, he happened upon a stray notebook. Possibly - from it's extravagant cover - one that belonged to one of his beautiful princesses. But, in picking it up, he found that it was richly bound in red leather and, although it was quite elegant, it was not something that even _he_ would have considered practical for a student.

Curiously, upon the cover, the words "Love Note" were written in gold gilt.

The word "love" quickly stirred his romantic sensibilities and, again wondering if it was some deeply sentimental account of some blossoming maiden's pure emotions, Tamaki did what he considered to be a very ungentlemanly thing.

But, despite his reservations, he opened it.

On the inside cover was a winged heart with a crown….followed by a series of what appeared to be rules.

Surrounded by a border of blood red roses and written in the his own mother tongue, the language of love, was written:

"_The humans whose names are paired on this note will fall in love_."#

Any other boy would have been graced with at least a bit of skepticism at this…however, any one who had any degree of contact with Tamaki could assert that he was a true one-of-a-kind. No thoughts of some elaborate hoax had yet even remotely entered his mind to diminish his romantic sensibilities one iota. Rather, they merely encouraged him to read on.

_"The note will not take effect unless the writer has the faces of the intended couple in mind when writing their names. Therefore people sharing the same names will not be affected_."

To Tamaki's mind, despite the overwhelming images and scenarios bursting forth from his imagination, this seemed quite a logical stipulation. He continued reading, images of sparkles and rose petals dancing within his head.

_"If a romantic scene is written within 40 seconds of writing the pair of names, it will happen_._ If a romantic scene is not specified, the person who is names first will simply give a confession and give his beloved a single red rose. After writing the romantic scene, further details of it should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds."_

Something in Tamaki's brain finally indicated to him that the strange numbers and almost legal sounding syntax should alarm him amidst the scenes of romantic strolls on the beach that flitted through his brain. Before reading the final two rules, he decided that it was decidedly unfeminine.

_"The writer cannot use the note in his own affairs of the heart."_

He found himself a tad bit disappointed by this. However, his effervescent cheer never faded or dimmed even in the slightest. Brushing off his ephemeral disappointment like a mote – perhaps a particle…no,no….an _atom_ – of dust, he read the last strange regulation.

_"Affairs written in this note shall be constant, lovely, and from the deepest and truest spring of love that the humans whose names are written possess and shall remain unchanging and strong until the names are stricken with two parallel lines."_

At this, amidst the splendor of the rose garden, the overzealous president of the Host Club exclaimed, "Why would anyone want any passionate and amorous love to fade and wither on the tender vine of sweet love?"

However, despite the fact that a tiny part of him (really, only a fraction of a percent) now wondered if it was merely an ill-mannered maidenly prank to arouse the promise of love with her notebook in her fellow classmates, Tamaki deposited the book in his school bag an continued towards where his limo and driver were waiting.

As he left, spying a couple also emerging from the rose garden hand in hand, he mumbled to himself, "Perhaps I will use this as a tool of divine love!"

Watching from behind a nearby rosebush, Eros was very pleased.

He couldn't have found a more shiny and love-struck fool than this fellow even if he tried.

------------------------------

Upon his entrance into Suou #2, Tamaki, with a hurried and quite possibly incoherent excuse to a perturbed Shima, rushed immediately into his room. For all his speed, he still thought that it was a breach of his gentlemanly nature and general good breeding to pry into the strange notebook any more than he already had…especially if it belonged to a fellow female classmate.

He imagined (a quite exaggerated version) of Haruhi's angry face at this thought.

However, somewhere during his documentation of the textures and qualities of Commoner sweets (his normal afternoon pastime), his boundless curiosity finally overcame his small amount of self-control.

He wanted to try it.

But, although in his mind love oozed from the pores of every object and every human being was attracted like a magnet to some predestined romantic partner – of course, Tamaki considered himself a _very_ magnetic personality, indeed – he knew that in order to properly test it, he would have to both pick people which he could see and wouldn't under any normal circumstances – unless one counted heavy handed coercion at the hands of _yakuza_ (and that was hardly _love_) – share any sort of romantic involvement.

After a moment of thought, he knew the perfect people to test it on.

And, being a generally Type-A personality, he felt the need to draw up a plan, complete with applicable diagrams and a bound manuscript, to be put in motion at the first possible time.

------------------------------

The Host Club opened as normal.

…Unless one asked Haruhi, who simply would have responded that it was never normal.

But, for the sake of the story, let's assume that her general grumblings went unheard, as usual. Indeed, Darjeeling tea was poured in Ginori tea cups and drunk by gossiping girls surrounded by the _crème de la crème _of class A.

In short, it was the perfect setting for Tamaki's plan to commence.

With one excuse or another, he managed to excuse himself from the adulation of his clients for a moment and went into the club's wardrobe room. Taking the notebook out of his chest of personal items – while scrounging around his hallowed portrait of the feminine Haruhi and his beloved Kuma-chan – and opening it, he simply wrote two names in his flamboyant script. He then cautiously tucked the notebook away and hurried back his activities to see if anything would happen.

As soon as he sat down, something rather odd – even by the standards of the Host Club – transpired.

Hunny stopped eating mid-cake and, much to the surprise of his customers, he plucked a rose from the table and walked confidently over to Kyouya. The Shadow King was in his normal position and, looking up from writing in his ledger, met Hunny's eyes when the third year stated, in a voice rather serious for his character's personality, "Kyou-chan."

Kyouya looked up at him with a look that also didn't quite match his character. His gaze, blocked behind the glinting of his glasses, remained absolutely and intensely steady as Hunny took his hand and dropped on his knees to kiss it, before holding the rose out gingerly.

At this truly odd display, all of the collected females in the room were completely and uncharacteristically dead silent. When could have heard a pin drop when Kyouya bowed formally and accepted the flower, his glasses glowing with a new light.

Renge, who found herself speechless for perhaps the first time in her life, managed to stammer out, "Ya…oi."

At that utterance the Third Music Room became a flaming inferno of feminine energy. And, in the wake of this explosion, for perhaps the first time, the other members of the Host Club were all equally shocked.

Even stoic Mori's mouth dropped in shock and he could only bleat out a halting, "M-m-m-m-m-mitsu…kuni"

Haruhi whispered, "Those two…?!?" and looked rather faint.

The Hitachiins both stood still as statutes and, for a moment, it appeared as if Tamaki would imitate them.

However, he realized what the display meant and, in abject disgust, retreated (to no one's surprise) into the wardrobe room and nearly ripped the notebook from its hiding place and with one great flourish, struck the names out.

Tamaki had no idea what Kyouya or anyone did to calm to storm that erupted from the customers, but he vowed that he would never use the power of the Love Note to spread love where it most definitely didn't belong.

However…Tamaki decided that he would find out where it _did_ belong and become for those lucky individuals their own personal god of love.

------------------------------

Eros laughed uncontrollably at the chaos that the possessor of his Love Note wrought. He was more pleased than he could have thought possible.

Soon he would reveal himself to this overly romantic fellow.

Then things would really get started in earnest.

------------------------------

**Fin of Part 1**

Written in English to avoid scarring you with my pathetic French.

**A/N:** Tamaki is hands down the most difficult character to write…I loved this idea, but when I realized how much of it would involve me incorporating Tamaki thinking in a vaguely strategic sense…it was suddenly 10,000 times more difficult. The guy is cracktastically smart, but he doesn't have Light's cold sense of logic.

But, you were warned about the crack, and it gets even more cracktastic with your…yes _your_ participation.

To be honest, unlike my usual fics, I have no clue (beyond next chapter) where this is going. But, as an experiment, I'm gonna take couple requests (not having to do with Tamaki unless they are really good)…I'm going to take the crackiest ones that interest me most…maybe about 5 or so…

Also, because we have so many lovely and talented writers here, I'm willing to allow guest chapters…so, if anyone wants to claim a particular coupling and write a segment, ask me (and I should give permission…) or if you want to do random plot developments, I'd probably be open to them if asked, as well.

I'm pretty much up for anything.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the random crack! Comments are very much appreciated!


	2. Note 2, Meeting

**Preliminary note:** Wow. I am quite pleasantly surprised by the response I got to this cracktasic idea (Thank you all for your lovely comments!). Anyways, warning regarding crack, explained OOCness, crazy syntax, etc., still apply.

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own Death Note or Ouran…Eros, in all his snarky glory, is mine, however.

**Note 2 – Meeting**

Despite his initial assertion that he wanted to use the Love Note to spread beautiful romance throughout a dry and desiccated world bereft of human tenderness, Kyouya's residual mood from his first experiment proved quite daunting to Tamaki's wanting to try any further ventures.

…Perhaps, Tamaki considered, it had something to do with the fact that the customers had now organized the "Kyouya and Hunny Love Love! Federation" complete with fan club t-shirts and what was rumored to be a very extensive line of most likely unsavory doujinshi.

Tamaki had, in fact, almost swooned when Hikaru and Kaoru (who caught a glimpse of one volume to even _their_ mortification) had described the, er, _content_.

At the moment, most of the club was concentrating on keeping Haruhi as far away from Kyouya's wrathful accounting book as possible.

Her debt had taken the brunt of the Shadow King's foul mood, as she had unwittingly stumbled in on him during the time when he went over the club's finances and, in response to his rhetorical query of "How could such a thing have occurred?" between gritted teeth, obliviously answered, with no ill intent whatsoever, "I had no idea you two felt that way about each other."

After the first couple of thousand yen increase had taken place – 5,000 yen for spilling a sugar dish? – even Hunny, who after several servings of his favorite cake seemed to have forgotten about the incident, actively kept the scholarship student at a distance from Kyouya.

However, that is not to say that the Shadow King's behavior halted all further experimentation on Tamaki's part with the Love Note.

Although he had extensive lists of future projects to tackle when Kyouya's…unpleasantness…subsided, he had thus far only used the Note on low profile – but still highly beneficial for the individuals involved – romances.

Most of these came from the society pages of Ouran's newspaper and some rockier relationships on his afternoon dramas.

This way Tamaki could definitely assert that the Love Note's powers did _not_ work if the people involved were slightly fictitious…to his great melancholy and shock, despite his best efforts, Sachiko had still left the tragically handsome Kenji to be with that scoundrel wastrel Masato on "Samurai Love Special!"

The only thing that finally ended the wrath of the Shadow King was the fact that, due to the unnatural interest that had been generated by the strange confession, the club's profits had increased almost exponentially. However, even Tamaki knew that it was best to proceed with extreme and highly vigilant caution prior to establishing his domain of dream-like _LOVE_ closer to home.

Contemplating this within the back of his spacious limo he decided that, once safely within his room at Suou #2, he would work on solving the intrepid romantic difficulties – with elegant finesse! – of the more popular idols of Commoner culture. In this way (at least to Tamaki's thinking) the entire population would receive the indirect and heartfelt benefit as a result of his magnanimous efforts.

As he strolled through the foyer of his mansion, pausing to flash a resplendent smile at Shima, he decided that it wasn't only the Host Club that existed to bring fortune to women…Suou Tamaki existed to bring love to all women and lovers alike in the wide and bountiful world!

Even as he thought this, near the top of the stairs he caught a glimpse of gold and…something that appeared to be odd even in the fervent inferno that was Tamaki's imagination…_wings?!?_

Forgetting any sense of his former suave decorum, he ran up the broad staircase - incurring threats of etiquette lessons from Shima - after the apparition.

He ran into his room, where he swore that the odd thing had gone – but, at this point he took into consideration that perhaps staying up until midnight last night had somehow clouded his normally pristine sense of mental acuity and perfect rationality – to find a…species of winged cherubim stretched out full length at the foot of his bed with its golden head propped up on an elbow.

Tamaki rubbed his eyes, thinking that he would go to bed rather early tonight and, walking to the room that contained his study, ignored the strange product of last night's insomnia entirely while hoping that – with all the abundant positivism he possessed – it would simply disappear.

All would have gone well if the supposedly fleeting figment of his imagination hadn't _spoken_ when he moved to open the study's door.

"How rude…" it practically drawled, "You know, dear masculine strumpet, not everyone gets to see a cupid in their lifetime and yet _you_ ignore me entirely."

In reaction to both the shocking revelation that visions of insomnia could carry on a conversation and had just referred to him as…a "masculine strumpet…?" (Not that Tamaki could exactly define what a "strumpet" was in the first place…let alone what it meant to be of the masculine persuasion and one), he could only turn around slowly and stammer, "C-c-c-cupid…?"

The _cupid_ rolled over and, oblivious to Tamaki's obvious distress, murmured, "Such nice silk sheets…ah, I am _lucky_ to get a blockhead that lives in a palace…although it is hard to find anything in this enormous place even when you _can_ fly through walls."

Tamaki continued to gape and sputter, "B-b-b-blockhead?" dumbly.

The small cupid tossed a golden curl and said mockingly, "Mighty Aphrodite, I've gotten a richly plumed p-p-p-p-parrot."

Not one used to being insulted in such a manner – except perhaps by the twins – Tamaki merely opened his mouth and closed it a few times, absolutely unable to utter even the most incoherent of noises.

The cupid's litany continued, "Nice maids you've got in this posh establishment, though," he said the next part with sly certainty, staring somewhere over his head for a moment, "Not that you've ever made use of them to gather the _fruits_ of _love_…"

This insinuation sprung Tamaki out of his stupor. Blushing furiously he launched into a vehement tirade.

"…Made use of them!? Why, defilement of the pure blossom of maidenhood is the most degenerate, unscrupulous, and reprehensible behavior any gentleman could possibly display!"

He went on, but the cupid seemed much more amused by him than chastened by his righteous indignation. In fact, when his speech was at last over, he stopped making lazy circles in the air with his finger and dispassionately intoned, "Ah, a _romantic_."

Absolutely forgetting that he was talking to the surreal product of a lack of sleep, Tamaki forged on with dramatic flourishes and expansive gestures, "Of course! Romance is the highest peak that any human can strive for – the Everest of emotion! The paramount of paramours! The proliferation of the passionate heart! – Indeed, romance is the exquisite gem that spins the world upon an axis of love!"

Obviously the cupid disagreed, as he had seemingly drifted off to sleep somewhere during the elaborate speech and, finding it silent once again, lazily opened one eye and said, "Ah, you're finally done."

Upon hearing this, Tamaki momentarily dropped all pretenses of being a righteous warrior of love and crouched in the corner of the room.

The cupid rolled his eyes at this behavior and merely mumbled, "Strangest bloke on earth…" before adding at an audible volume, "So, fair masculine strumpet, are you going to tell me what I should call you or do I have to resort to 'strumpet' for the duration of our acquaintance?"

As if at the drop of a hat, Tamaki's whole demeanor changed and he whirled around and answered cheerfully, "Suou Tamaki…but everyone else just calls me, " he flipped a lock of hair away from his eyes and struck a lavish pose, "King!"

Looking very serious, the cupid nodded and responded, "You may call me the Queen of Sheba."

This seemed to take a while for Tamaki's mind to process.

"Queen…of Sheba?"

The cupid nodded with utmost seriousness, "If you are some kind of a King, than I _must _be the Queen of Sheba…there is simply no other possible explanation for the discrepancy in status."

Tamaki nodded dumbly and the cupid sighed, seeing that his sense of humor was not at all appreciated by the human, "Call me Eros, oh ye who has had the fortune of picking up my Love Note."

At this, Tamaki looked shiftily around the room and whispered at a volume that everyone would have heard him anyways, "You know about the Love Note?"

"No," Eros deadpanned, "I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd talk to some of the local wildlife."

Frowning, Eros noted that his wit was also seemingly wasted on this being…insulting though it had been.

Suddenly, the door to the room opened and Shima came in.

"Tamaki-bochama, I have no idea what you are presently doing," indeed, she noted that he had frozen in what looked to be a most improper position, "but you look as if you have just killed a man."

Eros chuckled.

Tamaki looked from Shima to Eros and back. Shima, with a look of dignified annoyance, followed his line of vision, and found nothing that _should_ have made him appear as he did.

So, taking evasive action, Tamaki moved to herd her out of the room, saying that he would be down for his afternoon's etiquette lesson, as well as his customary turn in the music room as soon as he finished a matter of, er, _business_.

However, Shima looked supremely unconvinced.

When the door was safely closed and locked, the blond turned around and in relief slid down to the floor.

Eros, to his dismay, laughed outright at him.

"Only you as the owner of the Love Note can see me, boy….actually, only you - as the only one who has _touched_ the Love Note - can see me…I'm like the ghost of Valentine's present - or something clever like that – that haunts the note…but, for your sake, I hope you do not have nosy servants. The last time a human had a Love Note, he was dragged off to a mental institution for spouting out nonsense about cupids and Shinigami and such."

Tamaki paled. His maids were always badgering him about the photo of Fujioka-san from middle school that he thought he had adequately hidden under his bed. This could, indeed, be a calamitous portent of mass delusion…he decided he would bring it with him and deposit it somewhere in the Third Music Room or in a locked drawer in his room or something to that effect…his mind reeled, mulling over the various possibilities.

For the first time, Eros left his bed and flew towards him in order to gain his attention back from his apparent series of inner struggles. The fool didn't notice him even when he flew right in the way of his line of vision…so he resorted to rudely blowing in his ear.

The idiotic human tumbled backwards.

"So, _Tamaki-kun_," Eros said in a surly manner, "what exactly are you going to do with my Love Note?"

He blinked and then responded, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Spread joy to the masses near and far through the blossoming aesthetic of pure love! And soon, a world built on dreams and camaraderie between partners will be born!"

"Ah…"

Tamaki looked critically at the cupid for the first time. "What….did you expect?"

Looking at his face, Eros could not recall seeing someone with such innocent intentions. It almost hurt him to answer, "Well, I was bored of doilies so…anything would suffice."

Eros left an unspoken, "Even you" hang in the air, but doubted that this Tamaki had understood it. In fact, he wasn't sure what the human had taken from that answer at all….he seemed to have a lot of fluff covering whatever circuitry ran his brain.

"But, you'll be seeing me until you choose to give up the Note or you run out of pages….or I write your name in it."

"You…write my name in it?"

"Every human has degrees of compatibility that lead to a most ideal match…" this was basic, boring information that every cupid knew even before they gained their halos, "If you happen to achieve that most ideal match, I will be _forced_ to write your name in the book and your ownership will end."

"So, should I fall in love…the deep, passionate, eternal kind….I have to give it up?"

Eros did a bored loop in mid-air, intoning, "Humans with that kind of love are famously irrational…Venus won't hear of them wielding notes then…it makes Diana a bit – how do you put it delicately? – _upset_. That is a brawl no one wants to see."

Surprisingly, at this information the human's face brightened.

"Ah, Eros," he said in an exaggeratedly friendly tone (although he actually couldn't assert that it was indeed _exaggerated_), "You and I shall create the world where Love is the supreme deity until that wondrous day shall arrive."

Hovering upside down, the cupid said thoughtfully, "Of course, the odds of my finding the most ideal match for you during the time I'm in your servitude are approximately 3,720 to 1 because of certain circumstances."

The boy vanished to the corner again, dark clouds hanging over him.

Eros thought he was the oddest bloke ever.

------------------------------

Tamaki had been behaving exceptionally strangely all day - and, as Haruhi very well knew, that was saying something - _especially _for someone like Tamaki.

He appeared to be…talking to himself…more often, especially when he thought no one could see him.

Today, she had walked in before club and heard him, way off in a corner of the Music Room exclaim, "That would certainly be an advantageous match!"

However when Haruhi had asked about him, he just stammered something about how the lavender table linens really complimented to particular sets of tea cups that the Club was using for the day. He had even forgotten to greet her with his normal exuberance and hadn't budged when Kaoru had licked a crumb off her cheek.

His behavior was so – as much as she hated to say it because it was _Tamaki_ after all – erratic, had Kyouya not just added another year of annoying servitude onto her debt, she might have actually approached him to ask about it.

She still might later…when she was sure that he was a safe to approach, financially speaking, as he ever was. Haruhi knew without a doubt that she was never perfectly safe, but practicality warned her that now was not the correct time.

However, now that she actually thought about it, Kyouya had been staring at Tamaki rather intently these past few days, ever since what the other Host Club members now referred to only as the _incident_ had occurred.

Haruhi sighed.

It seemed unfathomable to her that the Host Club could both grow to be more like a parallel universe and that Tamaki could be more troublesome.

"Troublesome" didn't even _nearly_ cover it.

------------------------------

**The optional section (aka written for my own amusement) of the story follows:**

Not breaking a sweat and still managing to look concentrated beyond normal human concentration, L placed a sugar cube atop the great pyramid on the handle of his tea cup.

A "W" flashed onscreen. He nonchalantly flipped a button.

"L," Watari's voice said, tinny from its emergence from the speakers, "we have an…_interesting_…request from the Ootori Group for Eraldo Coil. They say they will pay upfront."

He pulled up the data that Watari had transmitted, hugging his knees all the closer to his chest.

Waving one hand he responded, "With the Kira case I don't have time to go chasing after supernatural things…and there's a 90 chance it's a troublesome prank anyways."

"Ah, understood."

L elaborated on the pyramid with a few more strategically placed sugar cubes. The concept of the supernatural was intriguing lately, especially considering the revelations he had gleaned from his investigation of Kira, but not of _this_ variety. Death was more interesting than love, anyways.

"Oh, and Watari, don't give the Ootori's the usual treatment…their Private Police often come in handy for regional cases in Tokyo."

------------------------------

**Fin of Part 2**

**A/N:** So here you have chapter two, which should be the end of the random exposition…thus the truly whacked out pairings will be coming within he successive chapters.

Anyways, thank you for your wonderfully kind comments last time and pairing suggestions.

Hope you enjoyed! As usual, comments will be greeted with love and fangirling!


	3. Note 3, Pursuit?

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own Death Note or Ouran…Eros, in all his snarky glory, is mine, however.

**Inventive warnings:** This fic does not comply with the laws of physics, liberally tortures mythological beings, has Shakespearian style bawdy puns, much explainable OOCness, and has generally crazy syntax and words that will ostensibly help any burgeoning high school seniors build vocabulary for the SATs (feel free to blame the fictitious characters…the author takes no responsibility whatsoever). Do not use "Love Note" as a flotation device. Oh, and if you don't know who Ayame is from the manga…you should learn…or go to the handy dandy author's note in the bottom. Okay, I had too much fun with this.

Also there are random guest omakes at the end. 3

**Note 3 – Pursuit…?**

In the dead of winter Ouran Academy was fairly in bloom with fools in love.

At least, that was what Eros thought, drifting lazily over a French class. After the first week, tormenting the new – and quite harebrained owner of his Love Note (to give the issue a rare touch of politeness that perhaps the fellow didn't entirely deserve) - life had gotten rather routine. Although he _did_ have to admit that hearing the bloke squawk as he flew _through_ people's heads in his class or pantomimed poking his fingers into their ears was pretty amusing.

By far the best stunt he had pulled was flinging that pencil with the unfortunate looking bear at the strumpet's stodgy friend with the glasses. After giving him a look of death, the dark-haired boy slid into a smile that Eros rather found he liked. He noted that it was a prank that might be amusing to repeat at other times, in fact.

…All this wasn't nearly as amusing, however, as when Glasses Boy had stepped on his head after class for said pencil throwing. The Cupid Doily Derby had nothing on that kind of quality entertainment.

But that was not all…most of the boy's instructors must think the blond quite daft (if they didn't before…which was, in Eros' mind, quite a dubious proposition) because he still often forgot that only _he_ could hear the cupid's voice.

…The time he had sung "Ah! Love in the Spring is Aptly Named for a Gentleman of Stature!" at the top of his lungs and the fluffy brained bloke has stood up and denounced his "bawdy and unsavory behavior" loudly in the middle of Ancient Literature had to be his favorite.

That was when he had learned that the boy's father was not only the chairman of the school, but a peculiar fellow who also enjoyed torturing his son almost as much as he did.

Of course, Eros helped matters by floating a potted plant directly behind his father's head for the entire interview.

He had apparently been punished by etiquette lessons to teach him not to "bray" so much. It was a wonder no one had turned him into a mental health facility thus far. But, he certainly proved that humans were entertaining creatures to be sure.

However, aside from the fact that Eros was fairly sure that the blockhead stuffed rose petals in his ears to ensure that his brain stayed securely inside his head at all times, he wasn't doing at all bad where the Love Note was concerned.

Being in such a rich haven made money not even a vague concern as a controlling factor in matters of romance. It also helped that the boy had bees in his bonnet at all times that cooked up incredible feats of imagination.

One person had swept up his beloved on an elephant's back ("The exotic!" he had exclaimed incoherently), another had brought in…5,000 bouquets of roses (the first time in the school's history, from what he heard, that classes had been canceled on account of "plant overpopulation"), and there had even been an instance of a combination between bungee-jumping and sky-writing….("He needs to be a man of _action_ to win the heart of his princess! The sedentary love wins not the day!"…whatever that meant.) thus far.

Eros had mentioned once that everyone's having money certainly helped bring his fervent creations to life (he had taken this as a compliment as all sarcasm seemed to be utterly lost on him). The sparkly fool had merely responded, "Ah, but even still, love is the soothing balm of the impoverished Commoner's soul! And it is a beatific tragedy- " here he actually started _crying_, " – that God has only accorded a few with the means by which all forms of passionate and divine love may be appreciated!"

Unfortunately…well, fortunately if you happened to be Eros…the plain looking girl who, by virtue of the fact that she participated in the obtuse and flamboyant boy's strange gentleman's club (Why they kept their clothes on, Eros still hadn't figure out...that was _not_ how people did it in the olden days…of course, perhaps it was a cultural quirk) had distinctly lesbian tendencies, _also_ happened to hear the impromptu speech.

But even Eros couldn't fully concentrate on the (almost) ritualized humiliation that the strumpet felt at the hands of Androgynous Girl because her ideal, er, _lover_ was so utterly _bizarre_.

If the shiny fellow ever managed to guess it, then even Eros would have to respect him.

But whatever strange preferences she had, she had almost assuredly begun to notice something…not that the trollop who owned the Love Note realized this, but Androgynous Girl seemed to be the least of his problems. Glasses Boy – the only one in the entire establishment who Eros found more than pathetically amusing – seemed to catch on much faster than anyone else to what was going on.

Luckily the Cake Elf and the Identical Devils with strange kinks didn't notice anything. The Silent Man…? Well, Eros found that it was rare to see him involved in anything.

And, _my_, was his ideal love a strange choice. Indeed, it was the first one he had ever heard that blinked in and out from a name to…articles of food.

Apparently, for the brief moment when he was watching him, he wanted Takoyaki more than anything else in the world….which was _almost_ as bizarre as the girl whose true love was someone fictitious.

Dear Venus, this was a school filled with moneyed aliens with decidedly strange behavior. Eros decided that it was very good that they all had tremendous amounts of cash to spend on therapy before becoming the commercial forces of tomorrow.

In short, the world might not be _so_ doomed. Eros decided, however, that he would rather be far away from the human world when these people took it over. There was liable to be an explosion of roses or something when that happened…sometimes it appeared like all he needed was the heir to a big name doily manufacturer and it might be just like home.

And that thought frankly horrified him.

What he needed more entertainment. And, he needed it as soon as possible to take his mind off these serious matters.

And so, he decided he would find to find the poppet.

He looked back over at the silent boy – he looked like he had gone to sleep – before simply grinning. His ideal love flashed from a name to okonamiyaki…_Rich bastards…Mighty Aphrodite, help me._

------------------------------

On his way to the Host Club, Tamaki had been extravagantly waylaid by a yellow cloud of fawning female attention who bleated "Tamaki-sama!" at ridiculous intervals and sometimes even swooned…only to be dragged unceremoniously along by their similarly obsequious comrades.

Well, except for one, that is. However, Tamaki, as a man who worshipped all female goddesses with abject and unfaltering loyal devotion, did not see any reason to complain about her.

Looking with a disdainful air at the crowd of unrestrained estrogen before her, she merely flipped back a stray strand of her slightly wavy hair, shifted the pile of books in her hands, and straightened her glasses out with refined efficacy.

As the first girl who had met Tamaki, the others looked up to her in some fashion, however, Jonouchi Ayame never saw the sense in this value judgment – she hadn't read _anywhere_ that the order in which people meet had anything to do with group prestige.

And, she was such a girl that would not have believed that a cupid was hovering behind her (let alone one that was making ridiculous heart shapes _inside_ the space of her head) unless three authors, all of scholarly prestige internationally, had firmly documented the existence of such a creature with photos and graphs.

Of course, she would also have relayed her disbelief. At great length. In a most detailed manner. In a voice the pounded away in such a suffocating monotone that the Hitachiin twins still made a display of spreading across the room and pantomiming elaborate Morse code transmissions whenever she objected to something that Tamaki said…which was, in fact, quite often.

At some (what Ayame, at least, appraised to be insipid) comment, Tamaki remarked, "Ah, but you shall be like the open book of my desires, writing in golden calligraphy the testament of my heart and publishing it unto the gracious firmament of the world."

Ayame coughed delicately, a sign that she was politely bringing attention to some flaw within his speech. Tamaki, oblivious to her efforts, continued, "But the divine creator should inscribe your name unto my heart with lines of prancing poesy and create in me a thousand golden idols to Venus, Aphrodite, Helena, Atlanta!"

She again moved to open her mouth to object to what she perceived to be various inaccuracies in his classical allusions but was once again thwarted by their arrival at the doors of the Third Music Room and the decay of the Host Club President's purple prose into "Haruhi! Your father has come at last!"

This display was then followed by a rather noisy struggle that involved the Scholarship Student, both Hitachiin twins, the idiot Tamaki, exactly four bananas, no less than five firecrackers in the shape of…squids (?), and for some reason that eluded any logic that Ayame knew of, a lampshade (1).

But _oh_, the _noise_. The loud popping noises, the shouts of protest, the squealing of the various other females assembled…

And, above all, Ayame abhorred, detested, and quite frankly _hated_ unnecessary noise in all its disparate forms.

Thus, annoyed at having been ignored initially and both irritated and perplexed by the ruckus that was still continuing on one side of the room, Ayame did something that she considered to be perfectly sound logically.

She changed her designation to someone who was quiet…almost silent.

Amid Tamaki's squawks of betrayal (well, he was finally silenced by several pointed comments from Kyouya…if one means by "silence" the mumbling that accompanies an extended stay in the Corner of Woe) Ayame sipped her Darjeeling tea while sitting across from Morinozuka Takashi while sitting in blissfully complete silence.

And, to Eros, this arrangement seemed like a deliciously tempting scenario.

Now, if only the gears could be made to turn in the inordinately fluffy brain of the Love Note's master…which was, of course, usually the problem.

Luckily, the aforementioned blockhead's stay within the aforementioned Corner of Woe presented a prodigious opportunity for…_amusement_.

So, he did what he decided to be the most effective. Flying through the air, he did a one-handed back spring off the blond's head and landed – with impeccable grace – in a flutter of rose-colored fabric and feathers in the cramped space between the idiot and the wall.

The boy's shocked face was greeted only by the cupid's sly grin.

"_Mon cherie_ tart," he drawled, taking pleasure in the fact that the human had now scooted back several feet in an entirely crab-like fashion, "Don't you think something is rather _interesting_ today regarding the…_interpersonal relationships_…within this club on this fine and cheerful day?"

Tamaki merely blinked back at him. Eros clucked his tongue before saying, "oh ye ostentatious trollop…your love needs to be '_scattered,' _as you say, throughout the world."

He thought for the thousandth time that the art of sarcasm was indeed a lost art as the boy continued to blink back at him before finally being able to stutter, "O-o-ostentatious trollop?"

Of course he would focus on _that_. Perhaps "poppet" might suit him better…"strumpet" was becoming sadly worn and the other ones didn't have quite the same resonance. And since the fellow had looked it up in the dictionary it wasn't nearly as fun…

The cupid thought rather sourly that he had never heard anyone – immortals included – give such an "ode of vindication" (his words…Eros himself possessed decidedly better naming sense) for such an extended period of time.

He sighed and continued on.

"Now, I'm saying this – in a manner that even _you_ can understand it – " here Tamaki squeaked in momentary protest, "that the Love Note hasn't been used to _benefit_, as you say, any of your personal - dare I say, intimate – acquaintances in a while…"

_Something_ dawned in the boy's eyes. What exactly, only a complete fool would venture to guess.

Suddenly he sprang up and, one arm on his hip and the other waving about to underline every nuance of his meaning, exclaimed, "Ah, the fair maiden who, only lately, tarried in the exquisitely divine sunshine of my gaze – a luminescence only to be eclipsed by the combined luster and brilliance of our glittering splendor – until she has lately left me for another Lord of equal – except, perhaps, less graceful nobility – prominence in the affairs of my humble kingdom!"

Eros sniggered as, in the midst of the, er, speech, the girls sighed dramatically and with vacuous curiosity inquired in hushed voices, "What's wrong with Tamaki-sama?" only to be herded away by the combined forced of Kyouya and the Hitachiin twins with an explanation of "It's his usual disease, please ignore him for a moment…" and offers of the newest photo collections.

Eros thought absently that, if the boy had any disease, it was likely to be Turret's Syndrome with a side of verbal foaming at the mouth. But rather than voicing this he merely did a lazy turn in the air, yawned, and prompted, "And _why_ did your wilting maiden leave you?"

This seemed to jaunt him back into a blacker mood because he immediately froze in a position that looked suspiciously like George Washington crossing the Delaware and simply said, "huh?"

"_Why_, idiot. W-h-y?"

This boy was entirely something else. What exactly that was the cupid never wanted to contemplate at great length. Something dawned at him as he tried (and failed) to subtly observe Mori's corner of the room. For a heavenly moment there was a quiet interrupted only by the clinking of teacups as normality ostensibly continued somewhere else in the room. It was utterly destroyed when the boy suddenly began shouting, "Love! That empress of emotion, _LOVE!"_

And then he ran off.

Eros fluttered around and noticed that Androgynous Girl was sighing deeply and the Glasses Boy made a note in his notebook to reduce Tamaki's sugar intake – by force if necessary – prior to club hours.

This, in Eros' estimation, was going to be good.

------------------------------

Rushing with all possible speed, Tamaki extracted the backing from his portrait of the feminine Haruhi and pulled the slim, leather bound notebook from its hiding place. Immediately he wrote down the requisite names and, as an afterthought, added "romantic wooing."

Once he arrived in front of the door that led back to the room, he paused a moment to allow his cheeks to look pleasantly flushed and perched a hand at the proper position so that he could flip a stray lock of hair from his brow as he walked through with one deft and suave move. Opening the door he said smoothly, "Did you miss me, my princesses?"

But, much to his surprise, he was…_ignored_.

However, one glance over the heads of the staring crowd quickly explained this anomaly. In fact, a glance wasn't at all necessary…Tamaki could, with no difficulty whatsoever, here the _basso profundo_ of Mori's voice saying:

"Dearest Lady of the Iris(2), hear me,

hear the supplication of the angels,

who cry for thee in most fantastic voice.

Ayame, lady dearest, I beseech

the beteeming winds of heaven not to

visit thy soft and chastened lips too rough,

oh, too dear, that this hand might thee offend –"

Here, Mori broke his iambic pentameter laden speech and bowed and held a rose out to Ayame, who sat, in uncharacteristic silent with a maidenly blush upon her cheeks.

"Never shall the sunlight set upon thee

that I, less radiant in thy presence,

shall not wish to gaze upon thy holy face

And see the picture of most divine grace."(3)

A collective "Kyaaaaaah!" went up from the assembled and more than half immediately swooned.

Renge, observing said proudly, "Now this is the pinnacle of the evolution of the Host Club! I will have three more bowls of rice!"

The rest of the raging crowd of estrogen concurred and shouted out much higher numbers. Kyouya made a note to install video surveillance.

The rest of the Host Club was dumbstruck and Eros chortled before flying towards Tamaki.

Kyouya also made an additional note in his ledger and murmured, "ah, interesting" to no one in particular.

The only one that moved was Hunny, who wandered over to his cousin and found that the usually stoic boy was still posed and seemingly lost in the eyes of the girl across from him. Hunny tugged at his sleeve.

"Takashi, are you sleepy?"

Mori turned on him with eyes that…_sparkled_. _Brilliantly sparkled._ And Hunny, who knew all that there was to know about Mori, merely stared at him, eyes widening.

This was not his normal drowsiness. It was no variety of sleep deprivation that he knew.

This was something that Hunny himself had never seen. And, seeing no other alternative, he clutched Usa-chan tightly to himself and ran, tears streaming from his eyes, to Haruhi, sobbing, "Haru-chan! Haru-chan! Takashi's sick! Love sick!" and remained cowering behind her as the spectacle continued.

This confirmation of the scene they were witnessing caused the customers to become all the more inflamed in the throes of passion.

"You know, you might catch bugs if you continue to gape like that at your handiwork."

And, even as Eros commented on this, Tamaki's mouth still hung open.

"You know, dearest poppet, that does happen sometimes…"

Tamaki turned to him in such a mechanical looking way that Eros half expected to hear his hinges squeak from the effort. He sighed.

"Obviously," Eros said this so nonchalantly that it almost appeared to be a matter of no consequence whatsoever, "we have made a mistake."

The human murmured something under his breath that sounded something like "…you flying duster."

"Well," Eros continued, "when you are completely mistaken as to a match up between two individuals…sometimes…_that_…can result. But, at least you won't be needing any towels.(4)"

The last part of the cupid's comments completely mystified Tamaki…but, he decided he would rather not know.

But, to the infinite sorrow of the vast majority of the female population of Ouran Academy – not to mention the vast relief of the collective members of the Host Club – there was no indication of the prose spouting Mori or the sudden declaration of love for Ayame the next day.

It was strange, to be sure.

------------------------------

Kyouya hung up his cell phone with a frown. His bid for Eraldo Coil had failed, it seemed.

But, this was no matter.

Seeing what he had seen today, he was fairly certain that he knew _who_ was responsible for what was going on.

The matter of _how_ was another proposition entirely.

And, if it weren't for the fact that the club's profits had skyrocketed in the past few weeks as rumors spread that coming to the Host Club was a lucky charm for finding your true love (rumors that Kyouya himself had taken it upon himself to use the means at his disposal to encourage), the idiot would be dead.

For a moment, as he tidied up one of the club's many accounts, Kyouya wondered how Tamaki would respond to…an interrogation.

But then, however he was causing the current chaos might stop and thus be detrimental to profit. He would have to discover the truth behind the bizarre occurrences by more subtle means, it seemed.

However, if he ever found himself once again consumed by feelings of _love_ for…Hunny…

The idiot would be far more than dead.

------------------------------

**Fin of Part 3**

**A/N:**

**Spoilers! Ayame description - **For those of you none manga readers, Ayame is a character in Volume 5, chapter 17 of the manga who is the second top student I her class before Tamaki comes…and then is incredibly envious of him when he continues to beat her academically. She hates Tamaki because she hates noise and such (and also has grades envy), but in the end it is revealed that she likes him and has been kidnapping Kuma-chan regularly…and despite her constant correcting of his…more excessive aspects?...she now regularly designates him.

1. See, Hikagi, there are squid for you. Also, if anyone writes a drabble for this scene…I think I would love you forever.

2. Ayame means Iris. It's almost punny.

3. This is iambic pentameter ended with a rhyming couplet Shakespearian style (but really, really badly done….Shakespearian!Mori is the whole inspiration of this chapter, actually…and there are a lot of _Hamlet_ echoes in here.

4. This is a reference to a small drabble inspired by wisecracks (on Livejournal) that I've reproduced as "Smut Note" in the shorts area after the A/N.

**Smut Note**

Tamaki glared in shock at the people below him who were, er, um, having a very intimate meeting following the confession.

Eros chuckled before nudging him with an elbow, "Bet that's a first for you...seems you got too close to an ideal match."

Tamaki opened his mouth...Eros thought that the prudish boy's soul might slide out.

Kyouya, however, merely looked on passively before taking out his cell phone and saying, "Yes, Tachibana, we'll need some towels up here."

**And now for the first (small but awesome) guest spots by the lovely Hikagi…you need to bring your brain (or some knowledge of mythology, at least) for this one, however - **

**The (Mis)Adventures of Eros, Part 1**

**Hikagi**

Eros scowled when his search for the Love Note turned up no results. It wasn't with that overly-dramatic high school kid. It wasn't in said teenager's desk. Or under his bed. Or anywhere else in the mansion. Trailing the boy didn't help either because Eros could find no signs of it at the school.

Which only meant...

"A-hem. Eros."

Dammit. He knew that voice.

"Looking for this?"

Eros hesitated for a second then turned around stiffly, trying to keep his limbs from shaking. Because Greek gods _did not_ shake in their boots. Or whatever.

His wife was holding his Love Note in a hand with her arms crossed in front of her chest and a foot tapping against the floor.

Her expression could have given Medusa a run for her money had the Gorgon not been slain by Perseus thousands of years ago.

"I thought you said you'd be home _by midnight_," she continued, not even letting the god of love open his mouth.

"Psyche," Eros managed, finally getting his tongue to work. "You _know_ what time of the year it is right now. You _know_ that as Aphrodite's son, I have a quota to meet."

Psyche's eyes were twitching. "Mid. Night. You _promised_."

"B-but I haven't even worked through my fifth quiver of arrows yet!"

Eros froze to his spot when his wife directed a penetrating look at him. Shit, maybe he shouldn't have left her on Mount Olympus this time around. Ares probably taught her that glare just for kicks. Or maybe she was spending too much time around Eris? Athena might have _liked_ war, but she didn't come across as the vindictive type.

"I brought Anteros with me. He's hovering outside as we speak."

Could Fate be any crueler? Eros mentally swore, vowing to bring retribution upon the god or goddess that gave his wife and brother directions to his current location.

"Your _mother_ suggested that I do so."

The god of love brought his head down on a nearby desk. Hard.

Zeus probably hated him right now. That was the only explanation he could come up with.

"And he brought his Hate Note with him."

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk...

**The (Mis)Adventures of Eros, Part 2**

**Hikagi**

"Antoinette, where are you?"

Eros paused in mid-flight, hovering in one of the many hallways situated in the Suoh #2 mansion, wondering if he should see why the human he had been trailing sounded so desperate.

"Antoineeeeeeette!"

Well, maybe it was something interesting. Tamaki-kun was constantly spouting nonsense every other minute and Eros was happy to note that he wasn't as bored as he thought he'd be.

The god of love decided to turn around and head toward the human's direction...

...only to be tackled from behind, his wings pinned uselessly to his back and his arms flailing against the floor.

Eros seriously hoped that it wasn't another one of Psyche's _harmless_ reminders about his lack of presence at home. Because the last time she had dropped by, he had spent days nursing his wings. The luster and coating of his feathers had never been the same afterwards...

But that thought was quickly dispelled when the thing on his back began... barking?

"Where aaaaaaaare you?"

Eros nearly growled. That dog was _not_ supposed to have been able to see him. And was it even possible for physical or living objects to touch him?...

Oh, _gods._ He stopped himself from smacking his forehead at the implications. Not that he could have done so with the huge beast on top of him.

The dog. Could _see_ him. Him, Eros, son of Aphrodite and Ares, god of love and yadda yadda yadda, one who could not be seen _without having touched the Love Note first!_

And ewwww! Was that drool that just fell on his back?

Eros felt an uncharacteristic urge - no doubt something hereditary from his father's side - to _murder_ someone. Specifically, the current owner of the dog.

Personally, Eros had hoped upon meeting Tamaki that the kid would find himself in his ideal love situation relatively soon (say, around a decade or so - Greek gods, after all, were _immortal_) after having dabbled with the Note. Either that, or he was going to have to take a quick trip back home and beg on wing and knee to one of the other immortals for a favor.

But now - for this moment, at least - he just wanted out of the situation. He wanted Tamaki to come up the stairs and find him _at this moment_ and get the infernal creature off of his already damaged wings! As in sometime in the near future!

'Yes,' he thought as the ferocious beast known as Tamaki's golden retriever showed no signs of letting him go and her master was nowhere in sight. '_Really_ soon.'

Otherwise some foolish mortal was going to get hurt really bad...

------------------------------

**The Real Fin of Part 3**

Hikagi…Have I told you lately that I love you?

Anyways, comments will be greeted with the usual fangirling and rambling (if you've reviewed, you know this) and answers to any deep ponderous thoughts you have.

And, the next updates will be slower because they haven't bee pre-written like these last chapters, so it will take longer for me to update.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed!


	4. Note 4, Counter Measures

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own Death Note or Ouran…Eros, in all his snarky glory, is mine, however.

**Warnings:** This chapter contains such forced sweetness and OOC that your teeth might fall out. The authoress will not be held responsible for dentistry bills nor the spasms that results from the people revolting against said sweet and fluffy goodness. Also, clichéd phrases and bad romance writing (all intentional...it kinda hurts my soul to write like that…) are prominent parts of this.

This chapter is dedicated with shiny love to The Dream Whisperer…who certainly knows why.

**Note 4 – Counter Measures**

Much to her horror, it wasn't at all in Haruhi's imagination that Tamaki had gotten…_stranger_…than before.

She actually took the time to ask if anything was _different_ about him, but he predictably lapsed into his troublesome, "Daddy was just trying to, um, er, well – " with an attached and completely nonsensical excuse.

Haruhi had no idea whatsoever what her wearing a "cute" bunny costume had anything to do with anything…it seemed annoyingly superfluous.

When she told him such, Tamaki promptly hid in his accustomed corner and after a while began talking to himself again. It made her wonder that, if perhaps, all of Tamaki's antics up to this point were merely manifestations of some very latent psychiatric disorder.

But that seemed too convenient even for all the sense it made.

Haruhi knew that, unfortunately, Tamaki's strangeness couldn't be explained away _that_ easily. Someone, she hoped, would have given him the proper medication by this point in his life if that were the case. That left her with an equally troubling notion…

…Perhaps the parallel universe of the Host Club had finally driven _her_ insane. And everything she was witnessing was some strange kind of normal behavior.

It was deep…entirely too deep to fathom…but, much to her chagrin, no one _else_ seemed to notice.

She had made an annoyed mention of it to the twins who, as always, immediately became bored the moment the sentence was finished.

"Haruhi," they both chimed, collectively turning back to their video game screen.

"Tono's brain has always been - " began Hikaru amidst vanquishing an alien invader on screen.

"To a great extent – " Kaoru was noting the score shoot up as a golden alien dissolved into pixels.

They both seemed to waver from the game's attention for a small bit, searching for a word, before saying in unison with great relish and emphasis, "_absent."_

However Tamaki had the wonderful fortune to hear this and went on to his normal business of hiding in the shadows.

…Then the _talking_ began again.

And the mumbled denial that he was not a "strumpet" was completely baffling.

Haruhi couldn't even put together half of a plausible suggestion for _that_.

So, once more avoiding the one she was pretty sure might know – and thereby also avoiding a sharp increase in her already crushing debt – she sidled over to the table where Mori and Hunny were seated.

"Hunny-senpai," she said tentatively when she was sure that the senior's attention had left his cake and traveled to her, "Do you think that Tamaki-senpai is acting a bit, um – "Haruhi still felt nothing short of ridiculous asking such a question "more…_strange_…than usual."

He placed an exorbitant amount of cake in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully for a moment before setting his fork down, and with great gravity responding, "Tama-chan hasn't had enough cake!"

Mori grunted an ambiguous "more sleep" in response.

Haruhi merely sighed deeply and looked with perturbation back at the corner of the room where Kyouya was typing up…whatever Kyouya typed…and pondered the idea of how it might be to be bound by debt to all of these people until the age of thirty-five or more.

Deciding that Kyouya couldn't add any more than a year to her debt – and _that_ was merely a drop in a vast ocean – she decided to approach him with extreme caution.

Haruhi hadn't even opened her mouth when the Shadow King stated in a bemused tone, "You've noticed as well, I see."

Haruhi tried valiantly to prevent herself from gaping at the older boy…it was times like these that she wasn't sure if he simply _was_ as omniscient as he seemed, or he was simply a master of very ambiguous questions that caused the listener to jump to conclusions about what he was talking about.

"He _is_ behaving stranger lately, even if that idiot was already mildly insane to begin with."

Haruhi froze for a second and wondered why it always had to be the worst-case scenario with Kyouya.

"You mean-"

"It's true Tamaki is in need of constant stimulation - lest he drain valuable funds or formulate some act of expensive idealism – but there has been a definite increase in…" Kyouya trailed off for a moment and adjusted his glasses reflexively, "_abnormal_ behavior patterns."

Haruhi responded with a mixture of relief that someone else had recognized the disturbing change in the Host Club's King and evident irritation because her already overwrought and emotional senior could only become _more_ difficult to manage.

"I think Tamaki-senpai has been talking to himself more in that corner than he has to his customers lately."

Indeed, as if to underline her statement, a steady babble began flowing from Tamaki's chosen location.

"Haruhi," Kyouya said, shifting himself in his chair and turning his full frigid gaze on her, "Have you noticed anything _else_?"

Haruhi blinked.

There was the incident with Hunny…but she had already had such a significant increase in her debt as a result of that particular incident that she thought it nothing short of financial suicide to even mention it.

But now that he mentioned it, the strangeness _wasn't_ at all confined to Tamaki's psychosis.

There _had_ been a good deal more…emotion? Haruhi didn't know if that was a proper term.

She briefly considered saying "love," but that was a fairly empty adjective these days anyways…

"Emotion" it would have to be. But, terminology aside…Ouran had been fairly saturated with it.

Besides the incident with Mori and Ayame…who now ignored each other fiercely and dodged the fan club that had formed for in support of the alliance (who, for some strange reason, created entire pamphlets in iambic pentameter and slogans in sonnets…).

Then there was the day that school had been canceled due to flowers.

…And the time when a student from class 2-C bungee jumped out of an airplane that was busy writing "I LOVE YOU MY DEAREST MOST WONDERFUL HIMEKO!"

And, in Haruhi's practical opinion, the elephants were much too excessive.

But, taking all of the incidents as a collective trend, she couldn't logically assert that it could be attributed to the fact that Ouran was a high school populated by human beings that did such strange things that they might as well be aliens from a parallel galaxy.

Kyouya, noticing the expression of increasing horror on her face, knew that Haruhi had drawn the same conclusions that he had from the past few weeks' events.

He had only to wait while she drew the impossible parallel that he had already decided had some sort of validity.

With the mental acuity that had secured his position as the Shadow King within the club, he had observed that every bizarre occurrence within the past few weeks bore what seemed to be – however impossible it may be – Tamaki's distinctively flamboyant signature upon it.

Finally, Haruhi's face assumed a look of abject terror that said she had also arrived at the same conclusion and, without any trace of her characteristic bluntness, stammered, "It's like…the world is becoming a figment of Tamaki-senpai's imagination."

She looked at Kyouya so that he could dismiss her ridiculous statement as her having been too long in Tamaki's company…or the twins's…or simply in a nightmare that she hadn't quite woken up from.

Surreptitiously, she pinched herself and found that she was impossibly awake and alert because Kyouya didn't so much as refute a single word…rather, he looked over at Tamaki with so grave and serious an air that Haruhi knew that he must be thinking the same impossible thing.

"We should, I think," he said carefully, very much aware of the ludicrousness of the entire situation – but still haunted by the overflowing feelings of love and devotion he had _passionately_ felt for Hunny just weeks ago – and of what he believed was going on _now_, "_observe _Tamaki for a short period."

Haruhi, finding herself nodding in dumb agreement, hoped beyond hope that the Host Club had merely driven her crazy at last.

------------------------------

Eros did not like Glasses and Androgynous at all. Rather, at the moment, he found their snoopiness exceedingly _annoying_.

They had seemed – completely without the knowledge of the strumpet who owned the Love Note – to have formed a coalition that was always watching the ever-oblivious boy.

While he had to admit the fact that Androgynous Girl now thought that the two brain cells that the blond had to rub together had fried was exceedingly amusing…the fact that it kept him from doing anything to alleviate the boredom that had settled since the wonderful thespian performance they had all received from the Silent Man was aggravating to say the least.

And, unfortunately, he had paid dearly for that small moment of fun.

Unfortunately the Strumpet decided he would be all _honor_ and _chivalry_ and blah, blah, blah and not involve his fellow male escorts in any more _situations_.

And, of course, now the blockhead thought that Eros himself was out to trick him into making fools of these people for the purposes of making trouble.

Which was, in Eros' opinion, quite preposterous.

Trouble, of course, was the bare minimum that he wanted. Unrestrained, unmitigated, and absolutely overpowering chaos would be _far_ more amusing than simply trouble.

Bored of his pursuit of fanning rose petals into the tea cups of the ever present cloud of estrogen than lingered in the room with his wings – his current record was four petals in seven seconds….and the girl had thought herself so exceedingly unlucky that she got up and ran sobbing away from the Strumpet – he decided since the Love Note's owner hadn't the genius necessary to make the appropriate counter measures…

…And that was, unfortunately, assuming he ever did notice that counter measures were necessary…

…Eros would have to take matters into his own hands.

Everything else, he thought, watching another girl look disturbed as the fourth rose petal in a minute floated squarely into her cup of Darjeeling, was a matter of simple physics.

------------------------------

"Tamaki-sama," said a girl with a pout borne of her lush upbringing, "what _are _you looking at?"

Eros let out a loud raspberry directly in his direction where Tamaki saw something that he would have rather had five billion pins forced into his lovely violet orbs and bear such exquisite wrenching pain than see…

Kyouya was talking with Haruhi…again! With a great deal of repetition! Indeed the event was at the extreme risk of being repeated almost…_ad nauseum!_

And not once did his straining, _listening _ears – for it absolutely would not do to admit he, a _gentleman_, was eavesdropping – hear the word "debt" in their hurried dulcet tones.

"Tamaki-sama…" his customer replied again, he looked over to find tears glistening in her eyes at his own negligence.

"Ah! The pearl of my heart who glistens amidst the rough shod shell of the world! Excuse my excessive absence of mind, for I was merely struck with deep contemplation or the wonderfully indulgent sensation of our love that glistens with such a blinding iridescent sheen!"

With each word he said the tears vanished and a delicate blossoming appeared on her cheeks.

Somewhere behind him he heard Eros chuckle disdainfully and remarked tastelessly, "Kind of like casting pearls before swine, if you ask me, _Mon cherie _Strumpet!"

Tamaki jerked violently around to take a look at the cupid…who took the opportunity to dump an entire fist of rose petals into his customer's tea with a look of positively sadistic joy.

Seeing this, the woman screamed and, flinging the Foley patterned cup away, ran from the room.

It was the third customer that Tamaki had lost that day due to cupid related interference.

Kyouya, sighed noticeably and walked towards him.

"Perhaps," he said, shifting the weight of his notebook to his other hand, "You should come back when you are feeling more…capable, Tamaki."

He noticed Haruhi staring at…Kyouya from across the room.

It was too much…there was something going on between them.

Kyouya was trying to steal his lovely daughter in his absence. A conspiracy! Betrayal! A veritable plot to usurp his position in the affections of his wonderful –albeit rather oblivious - daughter!

As these thoughts went through his head, he danced around, pulling at his hair and failing to notice that the rest of the club members – with the exception of Haruhi who he was sure was currently staring longingly at Kyouya! – were herding the rest of the customers out the door, citing that their club president must have quite a bit of a fever and, my what a pity it would be should any of their princesses catch it.

During Tamaki's throes of mental agony – and probably more than a few phrases that made no sense to any of his companions – Eros merely giggled.

Before he knew it, Haruhi had come over and had placed a hand on his head.

Noticing this, he immediately blushed a deep crimson color.

Extracting her hand and frowning, Haruhi looked over him critically, "Senpai…although for some reason you're all red, you don't feel like you have a fever."

In the aftermath of this gesture, Kyouya and Haruhi exchanged a look – no doubt a significant look of longing passion! – between them.

"Hikaru, Kaoru," the Shadow King said, casually looking over his shoulder at the waiting Hitachiin twins, "If you would."

Before Tamaki knew it, he was being pushed and prodded by the Hitachiin twins straight out of the door of his own domain.

"Tono," they chorused, "Come back when you won't make all of your customers cry."

Tamaki's second to last vision of the Third Music Room that day was the twins' strutting about and making rather risqué impression of lugubriousness, at last ending in each other's arms.

In wrenching his head backwards towards the two people who had so bothered him, his last vision of his beloved domain was of them falling into a fiery embrace.

His worst fears were confirmed. They had removed him to partake in an illicit tryst!

What Tamaki didn't see, however, was the banana peel that Eros had carefully placed – to everyone else it had simply appeared from nowhere - to create this entertaining scene.

As the cupid flitted home after his depressed toy, a smile simply radiated from his golden features.

The names "Ootori Kyouya" and "Fujioka Haruhi" were written within the Love Note that night – an act so painful to its master that they were unadorned with any additional instructions and were written with a careless hand.

It didn't even take a great deal of convincing for the flighty bloke to do it.

Eros' counter measures against boredom, it seem, were going to be very successful.

------------------------------

The next day was, usually, the day on which the Host Club gathered to do administrative business.

That is to say, _Kyouya_ did administrative business…while Tamaki threw out several ideas that didn't make much sense and would run far over budget, Hunny ate cake, Mori watched Hunny eat cake, Haruhi _tried_ to study, but was usually prevented from the doing so by the twins' own attempts to stave off their boredom.

But, for the sake of generality, they called it their administrative business day.

However, suffice it to say, on the one day off from customers that he had in which to do such business…Kyouya was attending…well, to _other_ business.

He was staring longingly at Haruhi and Haruhi was staring longingly back.

In fact, Kyouya sitting there, delicately running his long fingers through a tendril of Haruhi's hair and Haruhi – her head tipped at a girlish angle and a tittering giggle upon her lips amidst batting her eyes back at him - made nothing short of a nauseatingly frightening tableau.

On first seeing this, Tamaki had gone directly into the corner and was now singing a flat and overly minor version of "Hotaru Koi" and tracing his finger in a slow circle on the ground.

Upon his entrance, Hunny – the only one who could perhaps defend himself in such a situation – sidled up beside the Shadow King and poked him on the cheek.

Kyouya did not so much as blink and merely wrapped the short strand of hair around his finger and said, "Haruhi-chan! The sonorous quality of your voice at last convinced me there was no merit in a life without you."

At the sickening sing songy lilt of "Haruhi-chan," Hunny backed away slowly and withdrew – Mori and cake in tow – to a corner of the room opposite of Tamaki's.

The Hitachiin twins, however, were not one's to allow such an opportunity to pass.

"Kyouya-senpai!" They both intoned, placing an elbow on each of his shoulders.

He ignored them and took a hand and trailed it along Haruhi's cheek…Tamaki (who, for all his moping, kept an attentive eye on the situation), jerked in such a violent fashion that one might have mistaken him for having a sort of epileptic seizure.

The twins, by now used to their Tono's antics, merely righted themselves and walked in a suspiciously casual manner off towards the table where Kyouya stored the club finances and exchanged glances and smiled in a positively demonic fashion.

The dependable threat didn't come as the encroached on the taboo territory.

"We just thought we could look at your notebook!"

"We are _very_ curious to see what you always write in there…!"

The dependable threat _still_ didn't come…not even when they had firmly taken possession of the notebook and were now cracking it open.

Suddenly, however, Kyouya stood up.

Hikaru – who currently had possession of the seemingly offending item – dropped it as if it was a plague-ridden rat.

However, oozing a passion no one ever thought him capable of, Kyouya grabbed Haruhi around the waist and said, "Haruhi-chan, you know when you told me there was no merit in sleeping with you…?"

In the silence that followed this question there was the distinct sound of a cake plate shattering and the squish of strawberry cream exploding over the marble floor.

The only things that could make Haninozuka Mitsukuni drop his cake were events that were a little less than Armageddon.

"At the time I rationalized that I did such a thing for that idiot, Tamaki."

Tamaki outright fainted at such verbal abuse which, from his friend's scathing tone, was not his usual light mockery at all.

"But, I really wanted you in tha – "

"AH!" Hikaru and Kaoru shouted, because, having grown bored after the shock of the initial speech, they had begun to jointly leaf through the notebook while the Shadow King was…otherwise involved, "Kyouya-senpai writes fanfiction worthy of Renge in his spare time!"

Hunny – now busy trying to distract himself from the scene in front of him by directing Mori to place Tama-chan on the couch and intermittently fanning and poking him – looked up and said pointedly, "Kyou-chan is becoming more and more like what I think Tama-chan's brain comes up with sometimes..."

"Disturbing," responded Mori with an almost uncharacteristic emphasis.

And, indeed, the disturbing scene was still playing out as Haruhi – so demure and girly as to be rendered unrecognizable by any sharp observers of her character – said, "Kyouya…I may be in debt to the Host Club for the rest of my life…but if I could meet you," she paused quietly and looked down, "I'm glad that I did break that vase…you help me discover the femininity that I had forgotten for my entire life due to the strange habits that I was brought up with."

Tamaki – doing an admirable impression of a zombie – sat bolt upright on the couch he was placed on and stared before standing up, running to seize Haruhi by the shoulders, and beginning to shout, "HARUHI! My precious daughter, how can you have done this to your doting and devastatingly handsome father who has wanted nothing but the best for you to bring out the natural cuteness that should not belong to – and Kyouya! Kyouya! You're as bad as the worst Benedict Arnold in history, a genuine, 'Et tu Brute!' and I am the bloodied and sullied Caesar into whom you've stabbed the vile knife of the most villainous and unsavory of all sins! Indeed, you shall go to the Tartarus and languish in the place for traitors and, oh! Kyouya!"

The indignant tone had quiet faded from the last tone.

Indeed, Tamaki trailed off into a nervous laugh as the other boy – glasses glinting quite ominously – slowly and purposefully walked straight for him. Moreover, Haruhi was now clinging to his arm.

To add insult to injury, Eros chuckled, "Well, your little friends grow incredibly interesting, my fair Tart…indeed, from my vantage point," he tossed his golden curls and made a show of pointlessly appraising the situation, "…at least on one part, you've gotten rather too close to an ideal match…and, of course, that could be messy…"

All throughout the cupid's speech, Kyouya continued to advance threateningly.

Tamaki, however, was merely waiting for anyone to save him or Eros to murmur one phrase of useful advice.

At last the cupid obliged.

…However it was not as _useful_ as he could hope.

"That is to say, dear golden haloed blockhead of mine…you should…well, run like Hermes before Glasses bifurcates you…and let me tell you, I have my money on _him_."

Tamaki happily obliged, running out to the sanctity of the gardens and, once in their privacy, whipped out the Love Note.

"Displacement, displacement," sang Eros with a note of slyness that was particularly lost on Tamaki, "you wouldn't want to damage the emotional well being of those who you care so dearly about…"

Tamaki – already far over his quotient of extreme emotional trauma for the day – nodded and, eyes wide waited for the cupid to explain.

"Eaaaase them off into a less ideal match…perhaps? Just a stroooke of the pen…"

Eros was quite amused at this attention…however, Tamaki quite mistook the fact that he was grinning malevolently ear to ear for the smile of a friend giving wise advice.

Unfortunately, the blond was paying so little attention that, rather than writing a new name for Haruhi – for she was certainly not as much to blame as Kyouya for this mess – he wrote it upon the wrong line and quite, in his trembling mood, missed the names he meant to strike out.

When he returned to the Third Music Room, all hell had broken loose.

And, by all hell, I mean fierier and mentally scarring than before.

Haruhi was now – oh! It was far too much to verbalize – with Kyouya…_and _Kaoru. At the same time! His dear daughter!

Now, Hikaru – seeing his twin do…_that_…with…_them_…was now being carried over on the couch, which had now, apparently, been designated for people who were overcome by the implications of the Love Note.

Eros flipped over on his back in mid air and yawned.

"Really, _that_ is rather unexpected…I thought for certain that would work to ease things off nicely…"

Tamaki stared, unable to utter something more than a faint, "Aaaaaah" in response.

"More and more ideal…" Eros muttered lazily.

Tamaki backed out of the room and, hiding behind the closest available statue, he crossed out the entire catastrophe with two lines meant to send the entire arrangement into unequivocal oblivion.

The Host Club was closed for a entire week after what merely became "Incident Three" while they all recovered from their individual mortifications.

Eros, however, was pleased for a time at all the havoc he had managed to wreak.

------------------------------

The doilies were looking rather droopy these days…it was…_depressing_…to say the least.

Eros – off gallivanting on one odyssey or another – was not available to indulge her customary cross-dressing exploits at all.

Fingering her necklace, – a Brisingamen original – Freyja let out a melodramatic sigh.

_Ah_, she thought sadly, _Even the hearts have lost their brilliant sheen…_

She wiped away a tear at the debasement of her condition and, looking out of the sheen of roses, she located Eros and – carelessly tossing her Love Note out in that general location – daintily spread her wings and followed it down, mindful that she hadn't yet completed her lovely doily…

**Fin of Note 4**

**A/N:** Wow…my soul hurts writing that…_beautifully!_ But, I'm not dead, I promise! I'm back and extra cracky and…long. But, do remember that I am a full time university student – and one who has read 16 novels in the last 9 or so weeks, as well (not light stuff…like all six of Jane Austen's major novels…).

But, the next chapter shouldn't take as long, because it is more or less planned out.

Well, The Dream Whisperer wanted to see Kyouya/Haruhi… And I threw in the cracky OT3 for imaginative purposes. Exactly _what_ they are doing depends on how perverted you are.

Also, Freyja is from Norse mythology and you shall be seeing more of her…I actually am far more at home with Norse than Greek mythology, so the Norse fertility goddess is now a cupid…shhh…I claim cultural syncretism!

Anyways, as usual, comments will be received with love and (time permitting) a personal response from me as per the usual.

Thanks for reading!


	5. Note 5, Hell and Doujinshi

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own Death Note or Ouran…Eros and Freyja, in all their snarky glory, are mine, however….I might loan them out if you beg me.

**The Increasing Long List of Warnings:** This chapter will contain both yaoi and shounen ai. These are employed at the discretion of the authoress for her entertainment and that of her lovely readers. If such things bother you, skim this chapter for pertinent plot points and think of waving fields of sunflowers, a nice ocean breeze, cute puppy dogs wagging their tails, etc., etc. For those of you who don't have any complaints on that particular subject, please note that the authoress will not take any responsibility for nose bleeds or rather _interesting_ flights of fancy. As always, explainable OOC and Tamaki-fied syntax will abound. But as always, the authoress takes this tale _very_ seriously and has not one iota of sarcasm within her entire being.

**Dedication:** This is for fangirls everywhere.

**Note 5: Hell and Doujinshi**

A week after the day that no one would admit to being a day – Tamaki had, in fact, introduced a resolution simply to strike that date forever from the Host Club's calendar of events for the purposes of a memorial, Kyouya had glowered in response and added several thousand yen to Haruhi's debt for "services rendered" – Fujioka Haruhi walked into the Third Music Room once again, attempting to be prepared for anything that the parallel universe of Ouran Academy might throw at her.

Opening up the doors, she found quite a scene before her.

In response, she blinked, absorbed all the details, and turned right around and left.

Shutting the doors behind her with all the strength she possessed, Haruhi leaned against them, took a deep breath, and – as a measure she had recently adopted to ascertain the actual seriousness of the situations she faced – raised one hand in the air and slapped herself.

Hoping that such a gesture would clear up the scene that had greeted her eyes upon her first entrance, Haruhi again turned around and walked back into the room she had just emerged from.

Sure enough, the slapping had once again failed to wake her up.

Her first real indication that something was heinously wrong was the fact that no one immediately came to bother her either time she entered. There was no pointless cry of "My daughter, you've returned to your father after what seems like almost an eon of separation!" There was no troublesome entanglement of limbs and joint, off-color insinuation, no threats to make her a slave to the rich until she was an old, feeble woman no longer with the money to maintain, no offers of cake or grunts acknowledging her presence.

However….that was not to say that the Third Music Room was silent….far from it to say the very least. There were…_noises_.

No, Haruhi would have to admit that all around her the room was positively…_pulsating_.

She had never seen the girls beyond the door so absolutely transfixed. Not by instant coffee, cosplay, phony tears, insinuations, touching reunions, or far too verbose speeches.

Nor had she ever seen so many..._fangirls_.

With the exception of small rings around…some unknown disturbances…girls in their yellow uniforms were perched on every available surface: at least two of them occupied every chair, china had been pushed off and shattered upon the ground as girls clamored onto the tops of tables in order to angle their heads in fashions that made their necks look broken or - at the very least - extremely uncomfortable, and some of them were perched like preening cockatiels in order to get the merest glance of what was occurring.

Presiding over all of this was Renge – who was dampening her eyes on her handkerchief because she seemed to be crying…in undiluted _joy._ At every layer of the mechanical cake looking contraption she always invaded with, were yet more female students, making it look like one of those Las Vegas shows that her father insisted on watching on New Years Eve on the television had somehow erupted within the Third Music Room. If it weren't for the fact that their eyes all looked like they were about to goggle out of their heads, Haruhi half expected them to begin dancing.

Suddenly, she found that Renge – standing up on her high power motor – had leveled a finger directly at her and said "Haruhi! It is a miracle! I shall eat rice like this for every day of my entire life and never go hungry again!"

Haruhi merely felt her jaw go slack in disbelief.

For a moment she hoped that Tamaki's womanizing imagination had simply outdone itself…but then again, it _was_ the Host Club. Expecting normality was almost like expecting manna to fall from the heavens suddenly…and Haruhi knew _that_ wasn't practical.

Contemplating this, she noticed that Renge kept looking at her knowingly, as if she was supposed to be in on…._this_.

"This," she nearly screamed, "This is the culmination of the process of leveling up of the Host Club….akin to finding the secret ending for the 100 complete, are we correct Haruhi, my love!"

…_Love?_

Due to an entire legion of yellow clad girls pushing her back and her outcry against that, she didn't so much as have time to contemplate it. Nor did she have a good look at well, where everyone else was looking.

Feeling like this was a sort of Inquisition – all the while enumerating what she could be hunted down by a bunch of vapid girls _for_…perhaps her socioeconomic status? Had they discovered her gender? Did they think she was actually in love with…well, _Kyouya_? – she was brought to the foot of the colossal tower of…otaku.

Renge was looking down at her with that same glinting look in her eye…when suddenly a plate – Haruhi, having already managed to break one, recognized it as one of the latest editions to the Host Club's china collection flying at the self-nominated manageress – with an impressive dodge most likely born of training many years with joystick controls, she dodged it and glared in the direction it had come from.

Haruhi looked over in the direction that it had come from only to see the head of one of the Hitachiin twins pop back down.

From the place where they were she heard a soft chorus of, "Doesn't she realize she's _interrupting?_"

So they all _were_ in here somewhere.

But, Mother in Heaven what could those rich bastards all be doing to cause – she looked around and noticed that a number of the girls were, in fact, openly salivating – well, _that_.

"Um, Renge-san," she said with great trepidation. In response, the Otaku Queen's eyes practically shown like a cat in heat, "Could you explain what - "

Before she could so much as finish her question, the girl seated atop the Great Tower of Otaku, snapped her fingers, causing yellow clouds of estrogen to clear space all around her, followed by the familiar sound of metallic gears grinding and a sudden shift in elevation.

Haruhi never knew how on earth she managed to install _one_ high-powered motor…but _two_ were…so beyond excessive she didn't have words to articulate it. To add extravagance to excess, the two contraptions equaled out in level and a bridge whirred out between them.

"Haruhi!" She noticed that Renge had immediately sidled up next to her and was drawing hearts in the air with one finger and moving much farther into her personal bubbles than any of her notions of comfort allowed for.

For the first and hopefully only time in her life Haruhi was hoping Tamaki in full father mode might come to her rescue. Or perhaps Mori would unnecessarily lift her, or the twins…well, she didn't rightly know what they would do. Even paying the bill to Kyouya to rescue her would be worth it.

It was only then, due to a sudden jerk to get out of Renge's lunging route towards her that she saw that Tamaki, and all of her fellow club members, were…_otherwise occupied_.

And by "otherwise occupied"…she meant…with _Kyouya_.

The two of them were sitting on the couch, Tamaki's head flopped down in Kyouya's lap with no summary punishment by a notebook – and if the almost hyperventilating of an entire room full of females didn't distort the sound in some way, she could have sworn Tamaki was _purring_ (and when did he _purr _like _that?_) the words "Mon Ami" at him.

Haruhi turned to where she had seen the auburn head of one of the Hitachiins during the cake plate missile incident earlier on and, suddenly she felt like there was something large and heavy in the pit of her stomach.

She had never seen their routine look _that_ real.

As if to underline her thoughts, an entire group of girls circled around them fainted in sheer ecstasy. They were then summarily moved, stepped over, and jostled out of the room so that new viewers might get to see the "Ultimate incarnation of brotherly love."

And if some last vestige of her old rationality hadn't been telling her to check the last pair of males in the Host Club – sometimes rationality is a double-edged sword – she might have passed it off as some horrific nightmare caused by digesting her father's cooking last night…indeed, _that_ would also explain the horrific churning in her stomach….and exactly _why_ Renge continued to try to sling her arm around her…

But there was Hunny, leaning over Mori on the couch and decorating the stoic man with a flower crown, and gently weaving the stems through the silky tendrils of his hair and Mori, in turn, wiping off stray dabs of chocolate cream from the loli shota's face in smooth caresses that in no way resembled his usual practical cleaning methods.

Haruhi decided that, somewhere between eating her bento and the last part of classes she had died and gone to Hell.

As if to punctuate this, Renge stood up and said unto the cult of yellow clad worshippers at the alter of yaoi, "Today, the Host Club has finally listened to my suggestion as the manageress of this illustrious establishment and inaugurated the first of several BL days! This day, my fellow initiates, shall thrive forever in our hearts and minds-" here she dodged a saucer that had been fired from the Hitachiin's area of the room and accompanied by a remark by Hikaru that was somewhat of a mumbled, "Can't you worship elsewhere…we're _busy_." It was patently ignored and she continued on. " – And as manageress, I promise there shall be several more moments to appease the insatiable fire that dwells within us all because three bowls of rice more is not nearly enough."

A deafening cheer went up.

Unfortunately for Haruhi, Hell looked an awful lot like one of Renge's Moe Moe! Host Club doujinshi. Unnoticed by anyone else, she slapped herself one more time to assure herself that the first one hadn't been part of a dream as well.

Sadly, it was all still depressingly real.

------------------------------

Eros had been hiding under the plush couch that the Strumpet had laid himself out on using Glasses as a pillow half in amusement at the absolute _carnage_ going on above his golden head and half in fear that _she_ would see him.

But still, hewas going to have no more amusement at this rate.

_She_ would curtail it. He bounced out of the way of the master of his Love Note's seeking hand – just _what_ it was seeking for, he didn't want to know – and thought with belligerence that it would take a great deal from his carefully cultivated image if that straw haired dandy were to see him clinging to the leg of the couch.

Moreover, the Strumpet had grown positively and somnolently, boring. He had attempted all the normal methods of getting the idiot boy's attention – insulting his rather doubtful (at least in Eros' opinion) masculinity, calling into question the pedigree of his dog, making Napoleon Bonaparte into an extended short joke, insulting Androgynous' entire peasant culture…

And Glasses _still_ took up all his attention. BORING. And since _she_ was here and therefore another Love Note was here…there was no quick solution.

Out of spite, he bit the strumpet's roving finger rather savagely, causing the vacuous boy to mutter an annoying, "Kyouyaaa!" before the sound was summarily smothered.

Eros decided he did _not_ want to know what went on in this place on an ordinary basis. Well, maybe he did…. then he could _improve_ upon it.

That was, if he ever managed to get out from under this damned couch without severe repercussions and physical endangerment.

There was a grasp at his wings that he assumed was the Strumpet.

"D_ah_-ling, you are looking positively _masculine_ today!"

…Zeus damn it. He had been found.

…and clinging to a couch leg at that.

"Eros, sweet cake, you aren't going to positively break my heart into small _slithers_, by ignoring me over there, now are you? Life has been positively _dull_ without you."

He adjusted his feathers and smoothed out a curl or two before turning around with an immaculate positively bored expression.

"Why, hello, Freyja, Old Man Loki finally set you free? Down here to find a precious jewel you've lost?"

She caressed his cheek despite his positively acidic frown, "My precious pearl and favorite doll has found his way down here to play with the humans. I felt incredibly _lonely_ without you, honey muffins, I need to find something – someone to -"

"I found someone for you, Freyja. You'll quite like her."

She blinked.

"The Strumpet – that is the current master of my Love Note – has a lovely personage that you would just _adore_."

Freyja looked positively giddy.

"My dear, sweet effeminate Eros has been thinking of me in his tenure on the human world!"

"Her name is Antoinette – "

"- and he has discovered a French lady of proper distinction to add to my distinguished cohorts! You know what they say about the French and _amour!_"

Eros didn't know what they said about the French and love. Nor did he care. At the moment he was thinking of his last encounter between a lady who was perfect for Freyja's…_distinguished cohorts_…it had taken him a week to wring the dog slobber out of his wings.

Indeed, he thought an introduction between the two fine ladies would do himself a good deal of good.

"And, Freyja," he said, dodging another groping hand, "Don't you think there's more productive forms of love you could be promoting than - " he missed the Strumpet's next grab by a mere matter of inches " – _that_."

She stared at him as if she suddenly didn't understand the words that were coming out of his mouth.

"But, Eros baby, I have finally met a kindred spirit who understands the beauty that is the unity of love between males! If only," she said beginning to pout, "she truly doesn't yet understand _mi amor eternal,_ cross-dressing!

He really wanted to tell her – and many memories of having been a victim of her strange kink rushed back in the form of a grimace – that most somewhat normal people didn't understand her eternal love either.

"But she says she will 'level up' in time…I suppose I shall _eventually_ have to learn such terminology."

…He froze, knowing that he had heard that term _somewhere_.

"And she had taught me this wonderful technique of discourse," she cleared her throat before letting out a booming, "Oh ho ho ho ho ho!"

…Mighty Aphrodite, no! Dear Venus, no. _Anyone _but her…even Glasses or Androgynous or even the Cake Elf.

Not Ohhohoho. Anyone but her. Mighty Aphrodite, _anyone_.

Suddenly he was struck by an absolutely _sickening_ idea that threatened the possibility of physical harm and further diluting his gender identity in Freyja's already decidedly obliterated mind.

But he would do it…otherwise the damn Strumpet would keep snuggling with Glasses until Ragnarok.

While that _half _sounded amusing, Eros knew that, should he wish to be entertained for the duration of his stay in the human world, he had to do it.

"Freyja," his grin was so saccharinely sweet that nymphs would normally fall out of the trees at his feet, "Let's make a deal…See, that wonderful identical twosome other there makes delectable outfits for Androg – I mean, that lovely cross dresser seated by Ohho – your mistress. Well, should my dearest Masculine Strumpet – that would, of course, be the owner of my Love Note – happen to _procure_ one…I might be willing to…" he trailed off, expertly.

Her eyes glimmered as Eros imagined the Tart's would if Androgynous ever managed to say something vaguely civil to him.

"Oh Eros! It would be incredibly stimulating if you did it _voluntarily_. It always looks so messy and haphazard when I have to resort to - "

He cut her off with a devastating wink, "My dearest cupid! There is a price for such an activity!" At least his tenure with the airhead and Glasses had made him a pro in some areas…

"…Price?"

She was practically salivating…he didn't think it would be very difficult to bargain at all.

"That," he pointed a finger up at the two figures above them on the couch, "will have to cease."

Freyja's lips drew into a pout.

"No deal, D_ah_ling. Not even if you were to dress up like the Queen of Sheba…again."

Eros felt bile rise in his throat at _that_ particular fiasco before carrying on, "Fine, I will do it if you never do that for to the Strumpet again."

She looked to be considering the proposition. He added, "The rest, after a reasonable period of time, are yours to dress up at your discretion."

It definitely looked as if he was making progress in his…negotiations.

"I can even convince the Strumpet of a theme of your choosing…believe me, the dandy has a field of roses for a brain….and, you wouldn't want your little mistress to be…_caught_ and your chances destroyed by _decadence_."

Immediately widening at this point, her eyes told Eros that he had sold her with that last part long before she opened her excruciatingly annoying mouth.

"Sweetheart," she said giving him a cringe worthy wink, "You have yourself a deal."

Dodging a barrage of fainting woman, she immediately went to Queen Crazy Ohhohoho and explained Venus knew what. All he knew was a minute later the Strumpet was hurled an impressive distance from the couch and said, absolutely oblivious to the utter wrath of Glasses, "Kyouya…I'm not sure what sort of act you are going to perform with my school tie…but," _now _he was noticing that Glasses was about to go nuclear, and began kneading his fingers together before saying in a miniscule voice, "Could I have it back…?"

It took an incredible display of tact and strategy and a domino effect of several girls on the part of the cupid – one that the King of the Host Club would surely pay for at a later date – to stop him from being strangled by his own tie with so many rapt witnesses admiring his "beautiful" death.

------------------------------

Ten minutes later, girls were being corralled out of the room be the military combined might of the Ootori Private Police force and the absolutely horrific aura exuded by the Host Club's vice president.

Once the entire entourage had left, Tamaki fairly barricaded himself in the corner, Kyouya made several phone calls in a frighteningly accommodating sounding voice, the twins looked at each other with a glare somewhere between satisfaction and mild confusion and inexplicably began taking notes, and Hunny and Mori observed each other out of the corner of their eyes with Usa-chan forming a fairly solid boundary between them.

If it weren't for the circumstances that produced it - and the fact that Tamaki had felt the need to make several awkward shouts about crossing something called a "Homo-homo line" and about how he hadn't really although he had given the illusion of it - before withdrawing into the corner and muttering to himself at the barest glance from Kyouya, Haruhi would have quite enjoyed the silence.

------------------------------

It had taken several bowls of commoner's ramen and several DVD's of a particularly sappy drama to take Tamaki's reeling mind off of the days events.

Eros blew a puff in his ear. He batted the cupid away and went back to noisily slurping his noodles.

"Trollop!" Eros persisted, rolling over lazily in the air, "When are you going to admit that reclaiming your dignity is a lost cause?"

More moody slurping. The gigantic screen changed to the set of commercials that preceded the current episode of the season's most talked about love comedy, _A Gentleman's Duel_.

"...And more importantly, _mon fille de joie-_"this particular name was followed by the sound of the Styrofoam bowl following and generally ignored exclamations of pain as hot water sloshed onto the front of Tamaki's shirt "-when are you going to get on with the business of the Love Note?"

In response, the cupid was only greeted with several incoherent shouts and the sound of running feet.

Charging at him Tamaki began yelling, "Do you lack comprehension you insipid turkey with wings?" He began tearing at his hair, "How can I ever see any member of my dear family again and have them think of me as a mere mockery of the masculine hero of the romantic comedy that is my destined part to play on the great stage of the world?!? And Haruhi! Oh, Haruhi! She witnessed her father so thoroughly and unintentionally cross a line – I must have been momentarily insane! Absolutely mentally unsound! Deranged! Unhinged! _Non Compis Mentis!_ Stark raving mad! – I would never…with _Kyouya_…in _PUBLIC!_ What must my dear virginal daughter and the hard hearted Kyouya who attempted to murder me with my own clothing items think of Otou-san now?"

Eros blinked.

There should be gradations of stupid that humans are allowed. This specimen would certainly be one of those incredibly fine grade idiots.

With great pomp, Eros let two words roll off of his tongue, "Love Note."

It looked like the idiot had made a desperate grab at his wings - which the cupid easily dodged - while continuing to shout, "How can you speak of affairs of the heart when the world has been so upended and it is almost like I have been abducted by aliens and turned into something that Renge would think up at night in her deepest otaku fancies involving the implementation of a whole nation composed of reverse-harems! Why, I bet there are-"

Eros poured a convenient glass of mineral water on the raving fool's head and said with deliberate slowness, "You. Victim. Of. Love. Note."

He shut up – blissfully – and blinked.

"Me?"

"I _loathe_ repetition, my fair Strumpet."

The sentence had gone unprocessed as the idiot entered a catatonic state.

"…There's more than one?"

Eros yawned and gave a sparse nod.

As if, on cue, an advertisement for a brightly colored tree limb chopper was interrupted by a screen where, in painstakingly rendered cursive, was rendered the word "_LUVR"_ surrounded by a constant filter of animated rose petals.

A voice – that bore an uncanny resemblance to Ukidoki Memorial's Miyabi – began speaking, "Hello denizens of this beautiful world! I am LUVR and have come to seal the wounds of the world with love."

Tamaki frowned and squawked, "What kind of joke is this? I want to see if Ai-san rejects the feelings of twin brothers in order to court a dashingly handsome boy who has been disowned by the only family he knows!"

He flipped the channel, his mouth dropping as he realized that the same message and placard was on every other channel as well.

"Now," continued the suave voice, "Turn to Bara T.V. to see evidence of the manifestation of my powers."

Frantically flipping to the specified channel, Tamaki found a television anchor who was quite unaware of any interference with _A Gentleman's Duel's_ time slot. Indeed, she was calmly reporting on an international summit.

"In international news, the President of the United States and Prime Minister of Great Britain are currently engaging in talks concerning the current nature of global affairs. The two are about to meet for a live conference in Washington D.C. – wait! What is this?"

The footage now occurring on the screen was something that no political spin could take the compromising elements out of.

Tamaki blanched. Even Eros felt a bit queasy.

After a moment, it was as if both of the political leaders had come out of a love pheromone trance.

The U.S. President blinked up at the camera as if he was looking into the sun, while the Prime Minister had the good grace to look shocked at his own behavior.

The channel was once again taken over by the LUVR screen.

"There is no breach in the world that can not be healed with love! I, LUVR, shall put myself in the service of this noble idea until the world is a place of happiness!"

------------------------------

Intending to get an update on his stocks on an internet news site, Kyouya instead found something that was…rather _interesting_.

New headlines concerning the presence of an individual known as "LUVR" ticked by every few seconds.

Upon entering the skyrocketing profits of the Host Club into his accounting software – he had managed to pass off his extreme humiliation as a marketing technique – he read: "The band L'MarqueenCiel was recently found to be in a tangled complex of illicit affairs…the being known as 'LUVR' has taken responsibility."

Kyouya frowned and pushed his glasses up before a new headline rolled past on his news ticker: "In an unexpected and shocking merger, Somy Entertainment and the Zintendo Corporation have decided to combine forces to bring consumers the ES-Wee. They have also announced that the launch titles will include Interminable Reverie: XIV in Gario, Mooigi, and Apple editions, along with Ultimate Ukidoki Memorial Miyabi Deluxe edition. This has been attributed to a sudden liaison between the executives of the companies and may be attributed to LUVR. There is no word yet on Bill Yates' involvement."

This had gone a bit farther out of the scope of convenient manageability than he had hoped it would.

"And, in entertainment news," The ticker flashed, "Hollywood's George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Brad Pitt were recently seen acting rather intimately together by Grumman's Chinese Theater. All three parties were too absorbed to comment. LUVR suspected."

Tapping a finger on the desk, he thought, _Letting this go may have increased profit levels locally, however _this_ is beyond the realm of profitability_.

That, and this was something that seemed a bit too absurd for even Tamaki.

It was clear.

There were _two_ of them. Kyouya just needed to figure out _how_, now.

------------------------------

The LUVR Broadcast clicked off just in time for the last minute of Tamaki's episode of _A Gentleman's Duel_ to play – displaying a baffling picture of the handsome and rascally twins walking away with their arms around the petite heroine – leaving Tamaki in a state of shock.

It was clear as crystal!

Someone else had usurped his position as the one to spread love throughout the world! That…that was not _love!_ That was a strange concoction of bad shoujo doujinshi staples and immoral worldviews. It was…_unsavory_ to say the least. It was –

Tamaki's inner monologue was rendered speechless momentarily as the cupid dropped within inches of his face.

"Strumpet, what are you going to do?"

The blond goggled at him incredulously.

"You do know what they say," Eros said smoothly, flipping back into a relaxed position, "The _pen_ is mightier than the sword."

Tamaki thought of the Love Note in its hiding spot (cleverly hidden beneath pictures of Haruhi in his study desk) before realizing he had no idea who the master of this new Love Note was.

"But-"

Eros read his confusion. It rather frightened him that he was able to do so.

"I can't _tell_ you, per se, who it is – against the rules, you know - but I can give you hints as to who would be a _lovely_ match."

Tamaki pumped his fist up in the air, vowing that no one would corrupt his pure ideals of undiluted love especially when such corruption was based on a political or consumerist reality.

He would be a handsome crusader of beauty and love! In the name of love, he would punish this cruel tempter!

**FIN of Note 5**

**A/N:** Hello again, everyone! I'm not dead, I'm still writing, school (and a confluence of several other interrelated factors) has prevented me from writing anything lengthy. But, here is the long awaited BL chapter of Love Note with new developments and a new, crazier plot. A lot of these pairings are vaguely accepted, but I had several requests (particularly Hikaru/Kaoru and Kyouya/Tamaki), but I needed to wait for one of those to be possible.

This chapter's chock full of pop culture references – got politics, J-Drama, a bit of Sailor Moon, Final Fantasy…I don't even know what else. The lampooning of Death Note also continues. But, since its been awhile this chapter is longer than the last. Renge is cracktastically fun to write (and cosplay!).

As always, I hope you enjoyed! Comments will be zealously fangirled and questions will be answered personally as per the usual.


End file.
